Happy Holidays- Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale Review

So . . . Rare Exports.  Just got back.  For those who aren't familiar with the film, the trailer can be watched here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RQlikX4vvw

Rare Exports is a Finnish horror film about an archaeological dig (As typical for these films, it's financed by someone who knows what's actually going on but for some reason neglects to spell it out for everyone else) that turns up Santa Claus.  Turns out Santa isn't what popular culture has portrayed.  The real Santa is a (demonic?) entity that kidnaps children (All of them, as far as I can tell, no naughty/nice differentiation) and flays them for their crimes to the point where "there aren't any bones left."  It consumes reindeer, uses sacks to transport the stolen children, and doesn't speak any known language.  It was excavated to be exhibited (Alive and well, incidentally) somewhere in the world, and things go wrong.  The locals have to deal with the fallout, and events ensue.

Bottom line: It's OK.

The concept is great, the scripting/execution is iffy.  Acting is great.  The trailer doesn't hint at it much, but the main actor is a kid.  All of the action/plot is driven by Pietari (Played by Onni Tommila).  The kid does a decent job with an entire film resting on his shoulders.  What's unique about this character is that he's written as an adult.  It's like someone wrote all of his dialogue for a grown man and then changed the character description.  He plays the typical character that people (or technically, person) initially don't believe, knows what's going down, and how to fix it.  This brings a couple of stand-out occasions where the kid gets a full-blown Schwarzenegger moment.

There are a couple of twists/punches pulled from the trailers, which I was thankful for.  The thing is, the trailer bills it as horror with a touch of comedy or horror/action.  There's a bit of comedy if you go in knowing the premise, but the flick plays everything totally straight.  I'm fine with that.  The thing is, it's not really horror.  It tries to overwhelm with atmosphere and suspense, but it isn't successful.  Maybe it's best to go into this film cold, with no ideas/expectations.  It doesn't help that 3/4 of the film uses the same two musical tracks.  I don't mean musical themes, which can evolve and be used to varying degrees, I mean they use the same two exact orchestral tracks (One main theme for the film, one combo action/suspense track) throughout.  As is, the flick's decent enough that if you have the chance to financially support it, you should.  I'm just saying it's a bit of a disappointment.

Video List

Here’s a roundup of our videos for new visitors so nobody has to dig through all the old blog posts.

The Fatketeers:

2012 & Fantastic Mr. Fox

James Cameron’s Avatar & When In Rome

Green Zone & Shutter Island

Prince of Persia & Toy Story 3

Jaron’s Music Box:

The Choice

Coming Home

I’ll Be Waiting

Lost In You

Movie Parodies:

James Cameron’s Avatar

Green Zone

Prince of Persia

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Predators

Jaron and Robert Jam On . . .

Xbox 360 Hard Drive Issues

Guitar Hero and Rock Band

The Lost Series Finale

Remakes, Reboots and Prequels

Futurama Season 6

What We Really Thought:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse & The Last Airbender

Predators & Despicable Me

The Expendables & Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

The Other Guys, Dinner for Schmucks and Step Up 3D

Inception, Salt and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Piranha 3D

The Rest, Best and Worst of Summer 2010

Other Videos:

The Clark Chronicles: Fast Food Pranks

Blood and Gore Master Class Part 1

Blood and Gore Master Class Part 2

Blood and Gore Master Class Part 3

JesuOtaku: Digimon Theme Songs

Paranoid Procedures

Review: Sonic The Hedgehog 4: Episode I (PlayStation 3 Version)

Systems: Available for download on PS3/Xbox 360/Wii

Price: $14.99

Multiplayer: None

ESRB Rating: E

            My first video game system was the Sega Game Gear.  I’d played games before in arcades and my friends/relatives houses, but I wanted something I could play whenever I wanted.  My mom was against the idea, but dad didn’t see the harm in it.  I saved my allowance for what seemed like months (and given the exorbitant price of game systems then and now, I suspect it was).  I think my parents primarily let me get a system as a way of teaching me basic economics.  If you save your money, you can get something better than if you spend it immediately.  I vaguely recall the long drive to Fort Wayne to visit Toys “R” Us (the only local retailer back then that carried video games), and the warm feelings I had as I bought a system of my very own.

The Game Gear came with one game: Sonic The Hedgehog 2.  I had fun at first, really enjoying the speed and the colors.  Then I reached the first boss.  Memorizing patterns wasn’t my strong suit, and the first fight relied on dodging a series of projectiles before getting an opportunity to strike (with no rings).  I liked the gameplay, but the difficulty was too high.  Because of the high price of games, it was a while before I could afford another.  For a long time I was stuck with a game where I usually couldn’t get past the first Zone.  When I got the chance to get another game, I was hesitant.  I liked playing Sonic, but I wanted something I could beat.  I decided to get the first Sonic.  I loved it.  Over time I would buy several more Sonic games (Sonic Triple Trouble, Sonic Chaos, Sonic Spinball, and the terrible Sonic Labyrinth).  When my Game Gear disappeared a few years later (discovered months later in an umbrella, hidden by my evil babysitter for the purposes of stealing it at a later date), I was unhappy.  I could play games with my friend/neighbor Adam, but it wasn’t the same.  A couple months later my parents surprised me with a Sega Genesis.  It was a wonderful gift.  They rented Earthworm Jim 2 for me, and the Genesis came packaged with the original Sonic The Hedgehog.  They almost literally had to drag me away from the TV so I could participate in a school choir concert that night.

            All of this is a long preamble to one thing: I love Sonic.  When Sega announced this year that they were returning to the classic side-scroller style for the next Sonic game, I was quite happy.  I enjoyed some of the newer games (Sonic Adventure 1, the non-Werehog portions of Sonic Unleashed), but they didn’t capture the fun of the older games.  The closest Sega’s come since are the excellent Sonic Advance games.  There have been several failures, too numerous to mention here (though I have to say that I found Sonic Riders to be particularly bad).  Revisiting the old style on the major consoles seemed to be a good decision.  For the most part, it was.

My first thought when playing Sonic The Hedgehog 4: Episode I (referred to from here on as Sonic 4.1), was that it wasn’t fast enough.  The original games had a sense of speed that I haven’t seen in any game since.  It may not be the best game mechanic, but it’s the one thing that defined Sonic.  He goes fast.  In revisiting the levels later I found that some of the speed is there after you’ve been through once, but it never gets to the same level as the originals.  Still, some of the areas completely recapture that magic.  Act 3 of Splash Hill Zone might be my favorite level of the game.

The gameplay here is almost the same as the old games.  You have 10 minutes to get through each zone, with the goal being to finish as fast as possible with as many rings possible.  If more than 50 rings are collected by the end, you can access a Special Stage for a shot at one of the seven Chaos Emeralds.  The Special Stages are different in that you don’t control Sonic; rather, you control the rotation of the stage around him.  This takes a little while to get used to, but I thought it was a fun update.

Sonic 4.1 has five Zones with a total of 17 Acts, plus seven Special Stages.  The main game took me less than two hours to complete, with another three to four hours to complete all of the Special Stages.  After completing the first Act, the four main Zones are unlocked, allowing you to play them in any order you like.  The game also has a Time Attack mode and leaderboards to compare your efforts with other players.  I like some of the new additions, like the open level select and the homing attack.  I do take issue with basically remaking entire Zones from the classic games.  I understand wanting to make the whole game a nostalgia-fest, but I’d much prefer new level designs.  The gameplay should be the callback, not the levels.  If nostalgia is the main point here, then why don’t aspects like the music and character names (I prefer Dr. Robotnik much more than Dr. Eggman) reflect the early era?

The game is absurdly easy, and the game time is something to be ashamed of.  I am not exaggerating when I say that by the time I reached the final boss I had close to 300 lives.  As for the length, two hours for $15?  I can purchase Sonic Adventure 1 for the same price and get a lot more hours out of it.

My recommendation: Sonic has been out for close to two weeks now, so if you were going to purchase it you likely have.  If you’re undecided, I’d recommend downloading the demo.  Don’t buy it.  Instead, play that level until Sonic 4.2 comes out, causing a price drop for 4.1.  You could also purchase the Sonic Ultimate Genesis Collection for the same price and get a lot more playtime out of it.  Personally, I’m hoping this will finally get Sega to port over the classic Sonic CD.  Sonic The Hedgehog: Episode I is fun, but not enough to justify the price.

What We Really Thought: The Rest, Best, and Worst of Summer 2010

Jaron and Robert discuss the rest of Summer 2010's films, and name their top 5 best/worst films.

Jaron and Robert Jam On . . . Futurama

Jaron and Robert (Mostly Jaron) talk about the new season of Futurama.

What We Really Thought: Piranha 3D

Jaron and Robert discuss Piranha 3D.

What We Really Thought: Inception, Salt, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Jaron and Robert review Inception, Salt, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

What We Really Thought: The Other Guys, Dinner for Schmucks, and Step Up 3D

Jaron and Robert discuss The Other Guys, Dinner for Schmucks, and Step Up 3D.

What We Really Thought: The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

In which we review The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

JesuOtaku: Digimon Theme Songs

Jaron Clark sings reworked themes for Digimon! As seen on That Guy With The Glasses and The DesuDes Brigade. For more content like this, please visit: http://www.d2brigade.net/

The Fatketeers Present: Prince of Persia

The Fatketeers present their version of Mike Newell's Prince of Persia.

The Fatketeers Present: Green Zone

The Fatketeers present their version of Paul Greengrass' Green Zone.

The Fatketeers Present: Avatar

The Fatketeers present an exclusive scene from the re-release of James Cameron's Avatar.

Blood & Gore Master Class with Fight Master J. David Brimmer, Part 3

This is footage of a specially designed master class for actors and directors interested in employing safe and effective blood and gore techniques for the stage. Participants are IU Theatre students.

Blood & Gore Master Class with Fight Master J. David Brimmer, Part 2

This is footage of a specially designed master class for actors and directors interested in employing safe and effective blood and gore techniques for the stage. Participants are IU Theatre students.

Blood & Gore Master Class with Fight Master J. David Brimmer, Part 1

This is footage of a specially designed master class for actors and directors interested in employing safe and effective blood and gore techniques for the stage. Participants are IU Theatre students.

What We Really Thought - Predators and Despicable Me

Jaron, Robert, and Richie discuss Predators and Despicable Me.

The Fatketeers Present: Predators

The Fatketeers present their version of Predators.

What We Really Thought - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and The Last Airbender

Jaron and Robert discuss their thoughts on Eclipse and The Last Airbender.

The Fatketeers Present The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The Fatketeers present their version of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Jaron and Robert Jam On . . . Remakes, Reboots and Prequels

Jaron and Robert discuss remakes, reboots and prequels, specifically X-Men: First Class and the 2012 Spider-Man reboot.

Jaron's Music Box: Lost In You

Jaron Clark performs an original song, "Lost In You."




Lyrics:

It's been awhile since I've said something,
I'm sorry but I, I got lost in your gaze
It's just the way that you look at me,
it's funny you see, it just takes me away
And you know sometimes when you catch me staring,
and you flash that smile
It just lights up the day
'Cause I just can't believe there's a beauty lying next to me,
that makes me feel this way

I guess you're feeling that way too
And I can't take my eyes off you
And if you wonder,
how deep this love of mine goes, It's true
I can't help it, I'm lost in you

And you know sometimes I have to catch my breath,
when you call my name
And I can't help but start to laugh when I make that face,
and you do the same

Because I'm feeling that way too
And I can't take my eyes off you
And if you wonder,
how deep this love of mine goes, It's true
I can't help it, I'm lost in you

I wanna hold you in my arms and feel you heart,
as it beats with mine
And when I look into your eyes I know

I know you're feeling that way too
And I can't take my eyes off you
And if you wonder,
how deep this love of mine goes, It's true
I can't help it, I'm lost
I can't help myself, I'm lost
I'm lost in you

Jaron's Music Box: I'll Be Waiting

Jaron Clark performs an original song, "I'll Be Waiting."



Lyrics:

Inside these empty walls,
my heart cries out for you
Will you answer the call, Just me and you
Out hearts need one another, It's true
I'm calling out to you
I know that time has jaded me,
this life just seems like one big dream
It just keep getting harder each day
As all the hours fade away,
and I'm just left in disarray,
there's one thing that remains.

Though your pride may hide your pain,
deep inside we're all the same
And until our love can be,
life goes on for you and me.

I can never seem to find,
the courage to let you know,
just how this love has grown, But you should know,
that I do believe in time,
two hearts will beat as one
I know someday this love will be,
more than just the word you read,
and more than just the songs I sing
If I reach out to take your hand,
do you think you can understand,
I'm more than what you see

Though your pride may hide your pain,
deep inside we're all the same
And until our love can be,
life goes on for you and me

And with each day this love will grow
No matter how long or winding the road,
let this love come and,
wash away the tears,
wash away the tears
Wash away the pain of yesterday
Someday

The Fatketeers: Prince of Persia and Toy Story 3

In this (fourth) episode, Jaron and Robert discuss Prince of Persia and Toy Story 3.

The Clark Chronicles: Fast Food Pranks

In this (first) episode, Jaron tells a couple of true stories about messing around in the fast food drive-thru.

Jaron Jams On . . . The Lost Series Finale

Jaron reveals his thoughts on the much debated Lost series finale. Beware of spoilers!

The Fatketeers: Green Zone and Shutter Island

In this (third) episode, Jaron and Robert discuss Green Zone and Shutter Island.

Jaron's Music Box: Coming Home

Jaron Clark performs an original song, "Coming Home."




Lyrics:

Been a long time coming
I made it back somehow
I know it seems like far too long
Outside the window the world's ablaze
In the fading summer light
I can almost see forgotten memories
Come to life

Cause in the end you just never know
But it was time to let go
And I know, it's never easy to just say no
Just take time and realize
I know you're more than just a disguise
I know behind those pretty eyes you're just like me
You're just too scared to leap

All these shadows playing tricks on me
Seem to fade like these broken dreams
But in the end there's just got to be something real
'Cause it's not always black and white
Sometimes the truth seems just out of sight
As for me I'll just compromise and chose instead
What's in the gray

Now they're saying it's time to go
But I won't leave until I know
That you can stand on your own two feet again
Just take my hand and you will see
That we can make it if you follow me
I'll leave a light on so you can find your way
You'll find your way home someday

Being here, just feels right
No more reason left to fight
We don't have to hide anymore
Drowning in, the fading light
We can make it through the night
Don't be scared of what's to come
Your life has just begun
and there's more to come

The Fatketeers: Avatar & When In Rome

In this (second) episode, Jaron and Robert discuss Avatar and When In Rome.

Jaron's Music Box: The Choice

Jaron Clark performs an original song, "The Choice."